Reviewing Halloween Candy: A Glorious Burden

Jack Rose, Cav-Culture Editor

Around Halloween, candy isles spill over into the different aisles of your local store, forcing you to ponder if you’ve purchased enough candy. Some people might be inclined to purchase their favorite candy for the children of their neighborhood. Some people might think their favorite candy is the best candy. Some people are very wrong. Today, we embark on a journey of great magnitude as we determine what Halloween candy is good, and what should be left in the bowl.

For the purposes of talking about what makes a “Halloween” candy, we have to see what doesn’t make a “Halloween” candy. After an excruciating process that involved eating a lot of candy, the criteria were broken down into the following. 

A non-Halloween candy is something that is:

  • Non Edible, this includes things like pennies, toothbrushes, and Banana Laffy Taffy.
  • Things specifically associated or branded with a different holiday, like heart shaped lollipops.
  • Things that cannot jumble loosely in a bucket or pillow case, like a caramel apple or a bag of Sprite if you’re one of those people.
  • Something known as Just Everyone Lazily Letting Your Bucket Embrace A Nasty Sweet, or JELLY BEANS for short. 
  • Anything that will go bad, because people out there give out cheese and accidentally make children cry. 
  • Raisins, because there are people out there that intentionally make children cry. 

After weeding out everything that isn’t candy, we now get to organize it all. To do this, we’re going to invent two people. The first one will represent the people who give out good candy. For them we’ll pick a random name. Their name is Jarod. Good job Jarod’s of the world, you’re doing good. Our second person will represent the people that give out bad candy. Their name is Susan. We don’t like Susan. For any readers named Susan, apologies but, there’s at least one of you out in the world who needs to step up their candy game. 

After polling the brilliant minds behind the Cavalcade, and the Cavalcade’s editors, a list of 40 things received on Halloween was compiled. This list includes: Candy Corn, M&M, Fun Dip, Granola bars, Cheese Balls, Pretzels, Starburst, Snickers, Almond Joys, Crunch, Gum, Nerds, Dots, Milk Duds, Left Twix, Right Twix,  3 Musketeers, Onion, Milky Way, Mike and Ikes, Twizzlers, Organic candy, Tootsie Rolls, Hot Tamales, Sour Patch, Haribo Products, Everlasting Gobstoppers, PayDay, Skittles, Kit Kats, Reese’s Pieces, Roittersie Chicken, Reese’s, Smarties, 100 Grand, Warheads, Fruit, Tic tacs, Jolly Ranchers, Cold Chocolate Milk. You don’t have to read through that now, but it’s there if you need it. After all that, let’s get into it. 

Candy Corn

We had to start with candy corn. As a staple of Halloween, candy corn is one of the few candies on here that isn’t readily available year-round. With that comes its problem. People reminisce on candy corn, they see it as a staple of what made their early Halloweens amazing. With it not being a mainstream product, people can’t easily see that it’s just not good. Candy corn is an overly sweet mess that gets stuck in your teeth faster than popcorn kernels. This is Susan candy, through and through. 

M&Ms

If there’s a higher being, he reached down and blessed humanity with M&Ms. While not every M&M is fantastic, they make up for it wholeheartedly in the variety you have to choose from. Don’t like regular M&Ms? Try them frozen. Not a fan of Caramel M&Ms? There’s an M&M with a brownie inside of it. Without a doubt M&Ms are Jarod candy. 

Granola Bars

Granola Bars show lack of caring. You didn’t want to go and buy candy so you’re giving out leftover Cliff Bars? With no spirit, Granola Bars are a Susan candy.

Cheese Balls and Pretzels

Cheese balls run along a very thin line. While not directly associated with any holiday, they’re sold in Halloween packaging. Pretzels line is slightly wider, but only because they can be formed into bat and pumpkin shapes. These barely squeak by into Jarod candy because they’re a nice savory mix into a bag of sweets.

Starburst

You know it’s going to be a good house if they’re giving out king’ sized bars. You know it’s going to be a better house if they’re giving out Starburts. Combining both fruity flavor with bite size, Starburst takes the best of all worlds. Jarod candy. No question.

Twizzlers

You’ve got two children. One of them graduated from Harvard top of their class and went on to become a brain surgeon. The other is an artist living in your basement. Sure you’re proud of them both, but you definitely have a favorite. That favorite is Red Vines. Twizzlers are gross. Susan candy.

The Chocolate Bars

There’s going to be a couple speed rounds in this article. To start off with, we’ve got a handful of chocolate bars. 

Snickers: A great combination of peanuts and caramel mixed together with smooth chocolate. Jarod candy.

Almond Joys: While coconut and almonds are not everyone’s thing, Almond Joys are really good. Jarod candy.

Crunch: If this was a tier list, Crunch would be A tier. Jarod candy.

Reese’s: Didn’t help save E.T. Also their peanut butter is bad. Susan candy.

Left Twix: When Botticelli painted The Birth of Venus, no. When DaVinci painted the Mona Lisa, no. When Michaelangelo put the last paint on the Sistine Chapel, he couldn’t have possibly known the masterpiece of Left Twix. With the elaborate annunciation of each single taste of cookie perfectly paired with the majesty of caramel, and topped with the delicacy of chocolate. Left Twix could very well be the greatest work of art to come out of our lifetime. Jarod candy.

Right Twix: Tastes like cardboard. Susan candy.

Milky Way: I don’t know what a “nougat” is, but it tastes pretty good. This isn’t a point based system, but extra points to Dark Chocolate Milky Way’s for just being awesome. Jarod candy.

Kit Kats: Kit Kats are just an ok candy but it’s fun watching Kit Kat fans freak out when you bite into them before you break them. Jarod candy.

3 Musketeers: Three is a crowd. Susan candy.

100 Grand: Perfection in a red wrapper. Jarod candy.

Coming out of the first speed round, we’re gonna take a step back and talk to all the people that like Susan Candy. You hear a lot of people out there saying that this is just “their list” and that nothing is “set in stone.” While that is true about a lot of things out in the world, it’s not true of this list. As we speak, this list is being engraved into stone tablets forever stating that your candy is bad.

Chewing Gum

You can get gum literally everywhere in the world. Convenience store? Gum. Home Depot? Gum. Woodson’s E-Hall bathroom? While you shouldn’t put it in your mouth, there’s gum in there. The point here is that gum is not something that should be passed out on Halloween. Susan candy.

Dots, Nerds, and Milk Duds.

Did you know they all come in the same sized box? They do. Dots is owned by Tootsie, Nerds by Nestle, and Milk Duds by Hershey, yet they all come in the same tiny box. All three candies have Jarod candy potential, yet their tiny boxes pull them down to Susan levels. You can fit maybe four milk duds in one? Maybe 3 Dots if you push it? They can all be Jarod candy when they get larger boxes.

An Onion

Someone decided to pass this out on Halloween. Someone brought this up when talking about candy. Somehow this made it past the criteria. Here we are. Onions are too weird to be Jarod candy, yet the idea of someone passing one out is too funny to be Susan candy. And so our Onion waits in a candy limbo. Waiting.

Organic Candy (Fruit Leather)

When Dante wrote about his Inferno, he described only nine circles of hell. This was because he could not fathom a villain creating something as horrific as organic candy. Perhaps the closest author to describe it would be Mary Shelly in her book Frankenstein. In said book, she describes a horror, seen by all as a monster, created as a nightmare of stitched together bits of rotten corpse. Switch out corpses for fruit and you’re pretty much Organic Candy. Susan candy.

The Bite Sized Bits

It’s time for another speed round. This time it’s all the small candy.

Mike and Ikes: Better than Hot Tamales. Jarod candy.

Hot Tamales: Worse than Mike and Ikes. Susan candy.

Tootsie Rolls: Mixed bag. Some are good. Some aren’t. Barely a Jarod candy.

Sour Patch: Where are all the Sour Patch Parents? Susan candy.

Haribo Products and Skittles: Similar to M&Ms. Distributed by the gods. Don’t like one variety? Find a different one. Jarod candy.

Smarties: For those that have never eaten chalk before: Smarties taste like chalk. There will be no further elaboration.

Reese’s Pieces: Saved E.T. Jarod Candy.

Warheads: The literal taste of sticking your tongue on any part of Chernobyl. Susan candy.

Tic Tacs and Jolly Ranchers: These also get to go into Onion Limbo.

All right, we’re in the final stretch. The final lap. The final countdown. The final four.

Everlasting Gobstobbers

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory introduced this incredible product that would last forever. The real ones fail to meet that expectation but are still pretty good. Jarod candy.

Fruit

Why? Susan candy.

Pay Day

If you’re never heard of a Pay Day, the basic explanation is just Caramel and Peanuts. The simplicity of the bar, along with the combination of two fantastic individual foods create an amazing candy. Jarod candy.

Whether you give out candy like a Jarod, or you give out sadness like a Susan, Halloween is a holiday for everyone. Candy is something that everyone enjoys. So please, for the sake of all the good people out in the world, don’t give out an onion.