A review of the FCPS-distributed Hand Sanitizers

Jack Rose, Cav-Culture Editor

Please read this disclaimer carefully before reading this article. 
The content of this article contains the consumption of hand sanitizer, a product that is harmful to human health. All information is included for informational and satirical purposes, and any tests involving taste are not meant to be recreated. Should you decide to act upon any information in this article, you do so at your own risk. Please don’t be stupid.

 

    In case you haven’t noticed, FCPS is desperately trying to stay in person with COVID-19 raging all around us. From QR codes to turning the majority of the school into the cafeteria, Woodson is fighting an uphill battle. Their main line of defense? Hand Sanitizer. It’s amazing to think that a simple gel could kill almost every germ out there. Despite that fact, we’re still in a pandemic, but that’s neither here nor there. FCPS is providing schools with a variety of hand sanitizers to combat the spread. But what is the measure of a true hand sanitizer?

   After extensive analysis, four different FCPS-provided hand sanitizers have been identified. These hand sanitizers were tested on many traits, namely sight, sound, smell, feel, and taste. Each test was ranked on a scale of 1 to 5, and totaled to a maximum 25 points. These sense-based tests allowed for a thorough and near complete explanation of one simple question, “Which FCPS provided hand sanitizer reigns supreme?” 

 

The Control Group

  As with all important experiments, we have to have a control group. Located in the Journalism lab is a bottle of a hand sanitizer called Mellow Instant. Mellow Instant ranks highly on the Sanitizer Scale, and since it’s an outside source, it remains a constant.

 

Sight, 5 out of 5. Extremely visually appealing. Green-colored sanitizer provides an extreme sense of safety. Small bottle is very cute and extremely space-saving, and has a very simplistic design. 

Sound, 4.5 out of 5. An almost silent design. The only sound comes from the sanitizer hitting the hand.

Smell, 4 out of 5. Alcohol scent is almost nonexistent, with a floral fragrance.

Touch, 3.5 out of 5. A room temperature feel that rubs in fast, but not super fast.

Taste, 1 out of 5. While still an unpleasant experience, it’s not as bad as some of the ones coming up.

Total, 18 out of 25. A great place to start things out with, this tiny bottle really brings a lot to the table.

 

Symmetry Foaming

  Perhaps the most common hand sanitizer at Woodson, Symmetry Foaming Hand Sanitizer is a small white bottle, often located near the entrance to the classroom.

Sights, 2 out of 5. This bottle is ridiculously proportioned with an extremely text-heavy label. The dispenser only pushes down in one area providing the user with a struggle to acquire their sanitizer. 

Photo by Jack Rose

Sound, 1 out of 5. This bottle makes a sound like a wet fart when sanitizer is dispensed.

Smell, 2 out of 5. The extremely heavy alcohol smell makes no attempt to be covered. The “Fragrance Free” on the bottle is a lie.

Touch, 1 out of 5. This is a disgustingly sticky sanitizer. It’s sticky to apply, stick to rub in, and has a sticky after feel. 

Taste, 0 out of 5. This hand sanitizer has the literal taste of having a bar of soap run through your mouth.

Total, 6 out of 25. Unfortunately, the most common hand sanitizer also happens to be the worst ranked hand sanitizer.

 

Chromo Chonk

Photo by Jack Rose

  One of the less common hand sanitizers, towers above the rest… In size. This bottle almost resembles a ketchup pump you might see at a boardwalk fry stand. 

 

Sight, 1 out of 5. This bottle’s retro-looking logo’s claim to fame is its particularly large drug fact sheet. Aside from that, this bulky bottle is bare.

Sound, 2 out of 5. The sound this bottle makes can only be described as “splort.”

Smell, 4 out of 5. This sanitizer’s heavy alcohol scent is at least attempted to be overpowered with a different, unplaceable scent.

Touch, 2 out of 5. This sanitizer does not feel good. Also, if you pump anymore than a sliver, you have a comical amount of hand sanitizer. For reference, every time you pump, approximately 33ml of Hand Sanitizer comes out.

The recommended amount of hand sanitizer is 1 to 2 ml. That’s 16.5 times more than the recommended amount. The Symmetry Foaming’s bottle only holds 550ml of sanitizer, so 17 pumps from the chonk is enough to overfill the container. For further emphasis into the ridiculous quantity of sanitizer that is spewed out of this container, if set on the ground and dispensed completely, the bottle spews 7ft, 11in forward.

Taste, 0 out of 5. Horrendous, god awful, actually spit it out, did not taste like ketchup.

Total, 9 out of 25. This sanitizer is fine, although there are better ones out there.

 

Hand Sanitizer

Photo by Jack Rose

  Simply titled “Hand Sanitizer,” this large bottle is one of the less common sanitizers around the building.

 

Sight, 2 out of 5. This hand sanitizer is not clear. It has an almost scary whitish tint. The label has an attempt to be simplistic but fails. 

Sound, 5 out of 5. It’s silent. It’s dead silent. It’s ridiculous how quiet this thing is. There are dead people louder than this hand sanitizer. 

Smell, 4 out of 5. Nothing overpowering. No abundance of alcohol or an attempt to mask it. Almost smells “natural.”

Taste, 1 out of 5. Not great. Not terrible. 

Touch, 4 out of 5. Cold to the dispense, despite sitting in a room temperature room. Not sticky and rubs in quickly. 

Total, 16 out of 25. The current highest contender. If you can find it in the building “Hand Sanitizer” is a solid choice. 

 

Hallway Tower Hand sanitizer

  Situated out in the hallways, the Alpine dispenser has a number of great things about it, but also suffers some major flaws. 

 

Sight, 4 out of 5. Visually a strange sight, with an oversized base to the small dispenser. Often out of sight of students as they aren’t in the most seen places in the building. It’s sleek white design with simple green highlights for name and visual brings a very modern look to the dispenser.

Sound, 3 out of 5. When the sanitizer is dispensed, the motor makes noise. 

Smell, 2 out of 5. A heavy alcohol smell that’s nearly overpowered by a “dirty smell.”

Taste, 0 out of 5. Overpowering taste of pain. A mouth full of suffering. Tastes heavily of the mean dentist.

Touch, 2 out of 5. Very cold at the dispense, and does not easily rub into the skin leaving a long period of sticky.

Bonus Points, 3 out of 5. This machine gets a few extra points in design. It’s the only dispenser with a method to catch any extra sanitizer. It also is motion detecting, requiring no contact with the machine, and thus an experience with less germs. 

Total, 14 out of 25. While the hand sanitizer itself from this machine isn’t the best, this is a great machine to get some quick handrub in the halls.

 

The Omega Sanitizer

Photo by Jack Rose

  With an already bad idea of trying all the hand sanitizers, an even worse one came of it. What if all the non control group hand sanitizers were combined into one, “Omega Sanitizer.”

 

Sight, 1 out of 5. Visually, this is a foamy transparent test tube full of four different sanitizers. To sum it up, its terrifying.

Sound, 1 out of 5. A very deep, ominous, almost ancient sound resonates from the bottom of this test tube.

Smell, 1 out of 5. Something truly terrible comes from the scent of numerous hand sanitizers mixed together.

Touch, 0 out of 5. While it started with a pleasant feeling of a smooth sanitizer and a fast rub in, the feeling quickly left when the residue was the most sticky so far.

Taste, -1 out of 5. I am filled with a deep resonating sadness as the pure taste of the Omega Sanitizer has sucked all joy from my body.

Total, 2 out of 5. For the sake of all that is good in the world. Do not attempt to recreate the Omega Sanitizer. 

Recommendations.

  While the Mellow Instant is the best of the FCPS distributed hand sanitizers, maybe you can’t find it, or perhaps you’re allergic to the color green. Here are some recommendations based on the different categories.

Sight, Mellow Instant. Maybe you only care about how cool you look protecting yourself from the virus. If you can make it to the Journalism Lab, Mellow Instant has the best looking bottle, and the best (and only) color of any of the sanitizers.

Sound, “Hand Sanitizer”/Symmetry Foam. If you want the quietest sanitizer out there, “Hand Sanitizer” is for you. On the other hand, if you want to be a menace to society, go with the Symmetry Foam and make it sound like you need a new pair of pants.

Smell, Chromo Chonk. While three different sanitizers achieved the score of 4 for smell, the Chromo Chonk ranks the smelliest? FIX

Touch, “Hand Sanitizer.” The simply titled dispenser feels the best of any of the sanitizers, being not sticky and rubbing in quickly.

Taste, no. Do not put hand sanitizer in your mouth.